Hey everyone, for those who didn't make Saturday's session - here's a snapshot of topics discussed:
P - is content she now has clarity over what she wants and what she's looking for.
She has worked on herself and pondered "If I'd done the work sooner, maybe I'd have met someone sooner."
Although this is a normal thought people go through (myself included) I propose an alternative - "Thank goodness I started doing the work! I can't imagine ever going back to how I was before. I'm so glad I put in the effort to understand myself better, so I'll be able to connect with my future partner in a healthier way!"
It's a case of "better late than never."
Some people go their entire lives frustrated, resentful and confused. You're on the right track if you're engaging in self awareness and growth - this will empower yourself to create a better future.
Sorry to be morbid, but if I die tomorrow I'll be happy that I got to experience and show the real me after 30+ years of suppressing myself.
S - says she's working on sticking to her boundaries.
She used to justify her partner's red flags for them, even though her gut was telling her the behaviour wasn't on.
This is another common challenge discussed in the group.
Many of us have a habit of putting other people's wishes above our own, betraying our own boundaries for the sake of other people's comfort.
We don't want to hurt other people's feelings. We second guess ourselves. We question our own opinions and feelings.
Generally we have been brought up in a way that teaches us to suppress our own feelings, so it's no surprise that we're doing these things in adult relationships.
The most beneficial thing you can do for yourself is clarifying your own boundaries, understanding what behaviours you're comfortable and uncomfortable with, even if you've allowed them in the past, and use these to guide you to people and conversations that are more aligned to who you really are.
We had a new member join, another S.
He's new to dating. He grew up in a culture where your family arranges your partner for you, so you focus your life on work and generally don't speak much to the opposite sex. You wait until the time is right for your family to make the connection.
He's now experiencing dating in London for the first time and wants to understand what the norms are, what it can be, what's the etiquette, what are the opportunities and challenges.
It must be both daunting and exciting to jump into the dating world, given it's not part of his cultural background.
My general advice was to be authentic, be real, be vulnerable. Don't be afraid to show the real you and be honest about your situation.
The biggest mistake people make in early experiences of dating is to put too much emphasis on hoping the other person likes them. To agree with them on everything and water down their own personality.
You're more likely to say and do things which aren't truly aligned to who you are. People put on a kind of persona to increase their chances of being chosen.
Ultimately, this is a mistake.
It's an act. It's not the real you and it's going to cause friction later on.
Many of us here have probably been guilty of this at some point or another. It stems from insecurities and low self esteem. Even if on the surface we seem outwardly confident, it is an insecurity of being rejected for who you really are.
It's common, but it's not healthy. It's important to overcome this so that you have a better chance of meeting someone who is genuinely attracted to your authentic personality.
New member, J - has spent four months on dating apps. She's not yet agreed to meet anyone as she likes to get to know the person first for at least a couple of weeks.
J finds that most men get put off by this and are keen to arrange a drink or a coffee after a couple of days of messaging.
My advice is to set expectations early on around what's normal to you.
Sometimes people see it as a red flag if someone wants to go for a date too quickly, or go for a kiss too quickly.
But I want to highlight that people only have their past experiences to go on. People only have what's normal to them, until someone tells them something different.
So it takes us communicating to them what's normal to us, or what we're comfortable with, and then seeing how they respond.
I would make small tweaks to the dating profile to make it clear that a "slow burn" is preferred.
In early messages state that the normal flow for you is to spend a couple of weeks getting to know someone before agreeing to a date.
Say it in positive terms, so it's not a negative that you want to slow things down - it's a positive that you want to get to know somebody for a better chance of hitting it off when it comes to the date.
And that you'd be more excited to meet them that way.
Another comment came out of the chat - "If they're not taking any accountability for past relationship breakdowns, then it's not going to progress with me."
I tend to agree.
Of course, some people have been in abusive relationships which can be very difficult to get out of.
But on the whole, if someone is only referring to their past relationships in terms of their "bad" ex partner and they haven't reflected on what they also did to lead to the breakdown, then it doesn't show a level of self awareness that would be necessary to build a long term relationship with you.
I'm looking forward to the next coffee session this Saturday and seeing a mix of new and familiar faces!
A few group members have shared with me that it's nice to hear that other people are going through similar things and the sessions help them feel less alone with the challenges they're going through.
If you're looking for support, there are three ways I can help:
1) Dating Profile Audit - Are you showing your true self, or are you playing it safe? Ensure you're giving yourself the best chance to attract your ideal partner, while avoiding common mistakes.
2) Group coaching - If you're unaware of your needs, boundaries & the behaviours your ideal partner should exhibit, you are at risk of floating into an unfulfilling situationship. Gain clarity so you can confidently navigate towards people who align with you (while automatically steering away from people who don't).
3) 121 sessions - Deep dive into your past relationships, patterns and dating habits that have been tripping you up from your desired path. Together we'll build a personal action plan to help you avoid unhelpful habits and get you back on track.
You can enquire about any of these options via the button below or reply to this email.
Hope to see you at a future event soon.
Sam
Dating With Intention
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