Sam here from Dating with Intention.

This is a tale as old as time.

And it just happened to a friend of mine.

He met someone attractive, smart, fun and actually into him.

They had a great time on dates.

And she was always keen to book in the next meet-up.

But she had recently got out of a long term relationship.

And she stated early-on that she wasn't looking for anything serious.

The problem was that my friend was looking for a long term partner, but he ignored this misalignment and carried on.

They had fun dates, but when he brought up conversations about past relationships, she would change the subject.

He wasn't even sure how long ago her relationship had ended.

He knew it was odd, but he brushed it off.

As the months went on, he knew he wanted to feel some progress.

Exclusivity. Maybe even the boyfriend/girlfriend labels.

They were seeing each other 2-3 times a week, every week.

But he was anxious about bringing it up.

He would say he was anxious because he wasn't sure what she'd say.

I would say he was anxious because deep in his gut he already knew - and that it wouldn't be good.

Fast forward to five months of dating and it comes to the surface.

She says they should slow down the pace as she's not ready for a commitment.

He's broken.

It's the opposite of what he wants to hear.

He's ready to go all in.

And the worst part is that he feels like he's "not enough" otherwise she'd commit.

It turns out she had actually been engaged to her ex and they had only broken up a few weeks before she met my friend.

The dating pool is full of heartbroken people looking for a distraction.

Their keen energy to keep planning the next date doesn't necessarily mean it's progressing.

It could be that they're simply motivated by distraction.

So they don't have to face the pain of whatever they've just been through.

Most of them aren't even conscious that this is what they're doing.

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At what point did this go wrong?

Pretty much in the first couple of weeks.

The decision to continue after that sentence "I'm not looking for a relationship" has directly led to this heartbreak 5 months later.

Many of us have done something similar, hoping for the best.

Some might blame the other person for leading him on, but ultimately it's our own responsibility to recognise if someone aligns with what we want or not.

He thought he could change her mind.

He thought if he held out long enough he could win her commitment.

He ignored the fact she didn't want to talk about her last relationship.

And that she openly stated she was't looking for her next one.

He was drawn in by the fun, shiny, interesting personality and ignored the misalignment of dating goals.

And even now he's been told they need to slow the pace as she's not ready for a partner, he still wonders if he should hang around in a more casual arrangement in case she becomes ready to commit in the future.

This is self-abandonment.

It's low self-esteem saying "maybe if I ignore my own needs for now, they'll appreciate me more."

Building your self worth is so important when it comes to dating.

It's like having an in-built navigation system.

So when you meet someone who seems amazing but actually doesn't align with what you need, you're able to swerve away from them.

You're able to visualise your destination (happy committed long term relationship) and recognise this person is a distraction from where you're trying to get to.

Low self-esteem puts bugs in your GPS so you forget how to get to where you want to be.

You get easily side-tracked, when you should be saying "no thanks, I'm heading somewhere better."

Choose yourself, now.

Say no when it doesn't align.

Get clear on where you're headed so you can confidently navigate there.

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Put yourself first

I offer coaching to help people move past these unconscious roadblocks.

So they can live in alignment with their goals and stop making the same mistakes.

Gain clarity and confidence, so you can navigate the right path.

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Hit reply if you're looking for progress.

Wishing you well.

Sam

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