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Hi Reader, Sam here from the Dating with Intention Meetup group.
Lots was discussed in the last 2 sessions, but two themes stuck out for me:
1. We all have the capacity to heal from past heartbreaks.
Some of us prefer to rip the bandaid off and go no-contact following a breakup.
Others prefer a softer transition with some level of communication for a period of time.
There is no "one-size-fits-all" way of dealing with it as it depends on the nature of the relationship, what you experienced, what support network you have around you and many other factors.
Whichever way we decide to go we may be left with feelings of guilt, shame, confusion, rejection or disappointment.
Or perhaps we feel relief and hope because we know it wasn't a good relationship for us.
Whatever you end up feeling, it's a normal part of the process.
It might suck for a while and it might be challenging, but you can get through it.
It's an opportunity to look within and to grow so that you don't take negative behaviour patterns into your next relationship.
2. Self-love should come first
Working on yourself first - loving yourself - choosing yourself - accepting yourself is key in order to enter into a healthy relationship.
If you are used to putting other people first, people pleasing, avoiding conflict then you are damaging your connection to yourself which will damage your connection to a partner.
It's so important to prioritise your own health and well-being so you can show up confidently in a relationship.
"Put on your own oxygen mask before you help others."
Many people date from a place of fear.
Fear of being alone, of not being good enough, of being rejected.
These fears can be overcome by reconnecting with yourself - do more of the things you enjoy, say no to more of the things you don't enjoy, journal, practice mindfulness, remind yourself of all the incredible qualities you have, tell yourself you are proud of yourself, lean in to challenging conversations to speak your mind despite the nerves - growth and enhanced self-esteem is on the other side of it.
The risk of dating from a place of fear is that we can put up with people who are no good for us.
Working on yourself reduces this risk.
You gain a radar for people who will respect and appreciate you for who you are and you'll start to avoid people who aren't aligned.
An end of year exercise I'd recommend:
- Reflect on how you’ve changed over the last year.
- Write down that you are proud of yourself for how you handled certain things and the direction you are moving in.
- Accept the things you did that you're not so proud of. You are human and you can learn and grow from those mistakes. Don't beat yourself up about them.
- Visualise the person you are becoming and align your actions/decisions with them so it becomes your reality.
Many of the group have openly talked about their people-pleasing backgrounds, now learning to set boundaries, starting to put themselves first - and they are realising the dating pool has become smaller!
This is a great thing!
It means they now recognise all those people out there who on the surface look "attractive," "successful," "fun" but who would have been a nightmare further down the line - the lovebombers, the breadcrumbers, the avoidants, the lack of accountability, the defensiveness and so on.
Your future peace is worth more than that. You no longer accept those behaviours.
The dating pool of people you are interested in is smaller, but better.
Demisexual
Three of today's members identify as Demisexuals - a sexual orientation in which a person feels sexually attracted to someone only after they've developed a close emotional bond with them. In these cases, a slower burn is favoured in early dating to get to know someone before a physical relationship is started.
If you feel rushed by a partner's advances, I recommend communicating your preferences as soon as possible - even making a nod towards "slow burn" behaviour on your dating profile or first dates.
Don't forget, people behave in the way they believe is "normal" based on their experiences so far. It's not necessarily a bad thing if they want to move faster than you, it's just a sign that you need to have a conversation to align on expectations.
Then see how they respond to that and make a call on it.
Thank you to everyone who has joined the community in 2024!!
That's a wrap for this year but I'll be hosting again from January along with some 28 day challenges and group courses designed to help people date from a place of confidence.
If you do the exercise above, I'd love to hear how it goes for you - email or DM me your thoughts and if you'd like to hear about the challenges/courses next year.
Be well everyone, enjoy the winter break / NYE.
Sam
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